Sunday, October 01, 2006



I was putzing around News Hounds and found this hilarious piece. For those not in the know, News Hounds' tagline is "We watch FOX so you don't have to" and they're an invaluable tool for those interested in the latest rightie spin but lack the stomach to take Hannity and O'Reilly haranguing at people. The post in question muses of what Fox News' coverage would have been like if sexual predator Mark Foley had actually been a Democrat.
On Friday House Speaker Dennis Hastert was on Neil Cavuto's show program talking about the stock market "rally". During the interview, passing mention is made of Foley having just resigned and Hastert's response is very low key, something about it being the right thing to do. The host (substitute host David Asman) then ends the "discussion" with very measured and reserved comments like "we don't know the details" so we really shouldn't do any sort of wild speculation at this point - which is actually the right thing to do if you're a respectable news organization. And, of course, Fox News is nothing of the sort, which lead the author of the piece, Melanie, to consider what might have gone down in the Fox News room if Foley was a Dem. I quote the speculation in its entirety:

THIS IS A FOX NEWS ALERT! Again, we have a FOX NEWS ALERT! We have just learned that Florida DEMOCRAT, Congressman Limp Wrist, has been forced to resign his House seat, effective immediately. Again, this is BREAKING NEWS, it just happened a little while ago and we're working on getting all the details for you as soon as possible but since it's BREAKING NEWS we have to go with what we know so far. What we know is that, again, BREAKING NEWS HERE, several days ago, as we've been telling you all along, it came to light that DEMOCRAT Wrist has been corresponding via email, in some very suggestive, sexual ways, with a teenage BOY page at the Capitol. Not knowing how to handle the situation, since, after all, Wrist is a POWERFUL, INFLUENTIAL and PROMINENT DEMOCRAT, a member of the House Ways and Means Committee and DEMOCRAT Chair of the Congressional Missing and Exploited Children's Caucus, the BOY wrote to another congressman, saying he was totally and completely "freaked out" and that what Wrist wrote made him downright "sick." Poor kid.
Our own Greta Van Sustren is on her way to the Capitol building right now and we hope to have a live feed from her in a few minutes. I'm also hearing in my ear that we are trying to get the BOY in for a live interview in the next few minutes -- again, we're working under BREAKING NEWS conditions here -- and we hope to have that LIVE INTERVIEW regarding this crisis for the House DEMOCRATS - for you in this hour. Stay with us. We'll get back to House DEMOCRAT leader Nancy Pelosi, we'll see what she knows about what appears to be developing into a sex scandal involving a House DEMOCRAT, later.
Meanwhile, we'll have lots more -- more live guests and more details as they come in -- we're going to stay with this story affecting House DEMOCRATS for as long as it takes -- more on this BREAKING NEWS after this. Stay with us. This has been a FOX NEWS ALERT. Back in a minute.

Ah, it's good to laugh. Too bad this is pretty much exactly how it would go down if Foley really were a Dem. Van Susteren would be camped out in front of that kid's house (that is, if she can tear herself away from Natalee Halloway) and Hannity would be calling for Foley's public castration and subsequent lynching while yelling that all liberals are soft on sexual predators.

Meanwhile O'Reilly would have Coulter on and she would be angry at her parents for choosing to make her a girl by cutting off her small hermaphroditic proto-penis when she was a baby since she knows that if she had one she'd have a better shot attaining some sort of human contact from a guy like Foley since no man in their right mind will go near the Adam's-appled harpy. All this and more, coming up on Fox News. Stay tuned!

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